Stars, Not Stones

Building a Marriage & a Fence

My husband ordered 165 five-foot fence boards earlier this week. The idea was that we’d replace the 30 year old privacy fence that spans the back side of our backyard. The last time we did this ourselves was in 1996. When I say “ourselves” I mean the two of us, alone. My husband can do almost anything that requires fixing in or on a house or homeplace or farm because he was taught how or taught himself by researching and just doing it. He’s handy like that and has saved us countless dollars over the years of our marriage. Plus, he’s very independent and always says as how he doesn’t like to depend on others to fix things or do things for him. I like that independent spirit - it’s one of many reasons I chose him.

So now here we are, recently turned 69 and 71, totally able and competent to take on building a privacy fence. Of course, he is doing the building, I’m doing the gophering and handing-to, and together we are traveling numerous journeys toting fence boards from front driveway to backyard. (“Tote” being an old time word I particularly like.) We have both bent, squatted, held, pushed, pulled, and performed all manner of other physical acrobatics in the building of this fence, so far. Just like we did in 1996 when we were 39 and 41.

Fence in progress so far.

All the pushing and pulling and bending and measuring reminds me of how we have done these exact same things during our long marriage. Every new board secured to the framework is a metaphor for another year secured to ours. Like our fence building, we didn’t give up when things got difficult or we got tired. When a thing looked impossible, we recalibrated and found a work-around. And, most importantly, we worked together as partners. Nobody ever said it would be easy but sometimes, it was. Is. It often is, relatively speaking, and that is what you hold onto during the hard times.

The physical labor is demanding but not as difficult as I thought it might be. We aren’t rushing the work, taking breaks when we feel like it. We’re taking a break this weekend. At the end of the first day, the sense of accomplishment was satisfying and it felt good to work on a big project together even though, yes, we did do some bickering. We’re not perfect. (No, really!)

Spending a lot of time outside is giving me clarity of mind. I’ve been thinking about the hours I spend inside online in a virtual world and I’m questioning why. Why am I spending time in a world that’s unreal, that has nothing to do with my actual life and contributes little to my well-being. At the end of a few hours spent reading online, I often feel disgruntled and not-in-a-good-way weary. When a thing isn’t serving you, recalibrate.

Fifty years is a long time and yet it’s passed in a blink. I would say our twenties were the most care-free and easy times of our lives until now. Except for our jobs - which we both enjoyed at the time - it was the time of least responsibility. Our parents were youngish and healthy, we didn’t have nor want children, we were living in a new and exciting city with a nice circle of friends. Between then and now a lot of demanding and challenging life happened that made us appreciate the easier times. We know how good we have it because we’ve been through fire. Together.

We were very young when we married in 1976, the year of America’s bicentennial. (No, it wasn’t a themed ceremony like so many that year!) This year is America’s 250th birthday and our 50th wedding anniversary on May 22. A milestone, they say. I say our many miles together are stars, not stones. I say I can’t wait for the next 50.