When Music Hurts

Earworms during stressful times

Essay Camp 2023 - day 5, Nov 5, 2023

1. Long day. Sick dog. Very tired.

2. Ear worm for days/nights. Stress? Most recent one is “Why Can’t I” by Liz Phair. 

3. Craving hot chocolate. Found a recipe for a single cup online. Haven’t made it yet.

4. Cooking is a chore and a pain when I’m tired and stressed. I don’t understand how people find it unwinds them. It’s the opposite for me.

5. I can’t think of anything to write because I’m too exhausted.

Does anyone else find it almost impossible to write when under stress? Oh, I know a lot of people are under unrelenting stress almost every day for a myriad of reasons but I’m talking about a stress of an intense, focused, limited time. We’ve all been there during our lives. First time parenthood, caring for sick loved ones, managing elderly parents with dementia or extreme physical limitations, our own illness, working under demanding circumstances…so many different situations that are intense until they resolve naturally or we take charge and change our circumstances.

The particular entry I posted above is from (as it says) Essay Camp 2023 curated by Summer Brennan. One of her prompts is to write down 5 things every day. Short or long, doesn’t matter. Just write the first 5 things that come into your head. I was reading over my notes from Essay Camp when I realized that in several times of intense stress I have manifested ear worms. Music is an important part of my life - I listen to it almost daily. I don’t play an instrument and it’s a regret in my life that I never learned how. I guess it’s not surprising that music fills my head when I’m exhausted from a smothering level of stress. The above situation wasn’t my last bout with the monster but I remember the songs that invaded my head then and it started me thinking about the words and why these particular songs (there were 2) invaded my life for days. I could hardly sleep for hearing the music and, when I finally would fall asleep, I’d wake up hearing the music. It was not a comfort, it was excruciating.

So what were the songs?

As above, one was “Why Can’t I?” by Liz Phair - in particular it was the refrain,

“Why can’t I breathe whenever I think about you? Why can’t I speak whenever I talk about you?”

that ran over and over in my head like a freight train. Looking back, I think these lyrics haunted me because I felt helpless. Why can’t I fix this?

“Hear my train a’comin’” NOLA graffiti, 2008 - photo by me

The other song was “Room at the Top” by Tom Petty.

“I got a room at the top of the world tonight
I got a room at the top of the world tonight
I got a room at the top of the world tonight
And I ain't comin' down, I ain't comin' down”

This one really, really almost drove me wild. It was the worst earworm happening at the worst time. Looking back I remember just wanting the situation to end. Wanting to go away somewhere and leave it all behind. But we can’t do that in life, can we? We face the darkness and work our way out.

So now I’m wondering if, during the next stressful time, I get an earworm will I be cognizant to what it’s trying to tell me? Will I listen and learn, turn it into a tool to manage the stress? Because I do believe these were messages my unconscious was projecting - for comfort, for enlightenment, to numb the pain, whatever. I do think paying attention might turn a negative into a positive. At least I hope so.